my aunt diane has a lifetime right / I should go tell her if she's still alive

I am completely depressed with my revs mark. Lots of people beat me, many who I am acquainted with. This will not go over easily, or even with minimal humility, because lets face it, I'm a bitch and people would love to see me fall. This is probably my own fault. That said, I probably deserve it. I won't get over this for awhile - I *know* what I'm supposed to think, to do, to gain from this. I do, really. Enough people have said it to me. I know it. I just - can't - right now, okay? As dramatic as it seems, it is a huge blow to me, and for a bit there I contemplated diving off something high. Fatalistic, right?

I've been sporadically bursting into tears in the last few days, most often in foodcourts or public bathrooms, or at the MNG counter yesterday. It's kinda embarrassing, actually, to be waiting for a receipt, having your mind wander and then shedding tears on your new favourite cigarette-cut jeans. Today I'm at a spa and cried during my milk-and-rosepetal soak. Headtrip like whoah, girlie. Headtrip like whoah. Me and C, vodka, ASAP. I think I might need it. That, and a good hug. Would probably benefit from the former, would probably kill for the latter.

no love,
your girl

waiting for the golden age

ENTP

risk taker, easy going, outgoing, social, open, rule breaker, thrill seeker, life of the party, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, appreciates strangeness, disorganized, adventurous, talented at presentation, aggressive, attention seeking, experience junky, insensitive, adaptable, not easily offended, messy, carefree, dangerous, fearless, careless, emotionally stable, spontaneous, improviser, always joking, player, wild and crazy, dominant, acts without thinking, not into organized religion, pro-weed legalization

favored careers:

dictator, computer consultant, international spy, tv producer, philosopher, comedian, music performer, it consultant, figher pilot, politician, diplomat, entertainer, game designer, bar owner, freelance writer, creative director, strategist, news anchor, professional skateboarder, airline pilot, comic book artist, college professor, private detective, mechanical engineer, lecturer, ambassador, astronomer, research scientist, judge, web developer, scholar, fbi agent, cia agent, electrical engineer, assassin

disfavored careers:

personal assistant, wedding planner, travel agent, secretary, interior decorator, clerical employee, government employee, social worker, pre school teacher, copy editor, child care worker, hospitality worker, occupational therapist, home maker

-------------------------------------------

I wonder what Elizabeth I was.

travel, trouble, music, art...

travel
I leave in a scant eleven days. I can't describe how relieved I'll be.

trouble
Just walked into a door and bent my glasses and my face. I'm not sure whether I'm more annoyed at myself for being such a klutz, or for the door's existence. Probably the former.

music
The Killers' new album sucks balls, but I don't tell C that. Coincidentally, we're not speaking right now after he pulled a "I'm not explaining myself because we're so different you'd never get it" tantrum. Stupid, stupid boy.

art
Found a piece of art I did in late primary school. I marvel - did I really do that? A picture of my namesake - peaches. And leaves. They're pretty. Wrote a slightly impassioned rant on how much someone else's work sucks. Well, comparatively impassioned. I seem to be exuding a lot of disdain and jaded cynicism these days. Doesn't look good on me, I know. I should write more, if that's the kind of crap they're publishing.

love, slightly confusedly,
me

my boyfriend's (wanting me) back and he's gonna make trouble...

the title says a lot, I think.

Revs exam was fantastiche, I think. Hoping I did well enough on the France historiography and Russian essay, but I *know* I blitzed France short answer and Russia photograph. Damn right, better have. Recalling the paper next year so I can frame the goddamn thing.

I'm done - I feel fantastic! Am going to buy some makeup to celebrate :D

do you want my presence or need my help?

fallin' at your feet has never been harder.

Crowded House was fantastic. Two encores, an interesting intermission involving greyhounds and a completely overpriced shirt. I got closer to Neil than I thought I'd ever be, but my god CW fans can't dance for SHIT. Then again, most of us are stodgy types.

I saw my old history teacher with his son, but we never exchanged words.

Stuff ended and stuff started. Can't go into it now but all in all I think I played a good game. Rather safe and somewhat defensive but he fucked himself on the offensive. Fucking Sicilian game. Loser. I'm kind of smug and slightly ashamed at the same time, but his timing blows like a cheap whore. Apres exams, you tasteless wank.

That said, Crowded House is still making me very, very happy. Sigh. Private Universe to open, a star-flecked Don't Dream It's Over, a lovely rendition of Pour Le Monde and that ladidadidah song that I can never remember the name of. The little bit of 'Farewell, Goodbye, Auf Wederhsen Goodnight' was very sweet, too :) Fall At Your Feet was of course a banging' highlight - and pounding snatch of Locked Out in the first encore. I liked Something So Strong better than I thought I would, and the singalong was sweet.

Better Be Home Soon was a lovely cap to the night.

*swoon*

Thought I saw someone that night, but maybe not. Cancelled a playdate with C but wondering if I did the right thing. Not like we'd have done much work, but I kinda want a hug right now. Oh well. Apres exams, sweetheart. After the flood.

xx

you'd have said I needed appeasing when I started to cry

"You don't need to change, I didn't become your friend because I saw your potential as a person, it was because I saw you as you were. There is absolutely nothing that you have to do. My email wasn't telling you to change, just explaining why I kind of broke down a bit on the train."

Aw :)

C is being a sweetheart, he is. I need to be a bit nicer to him though - four hours of sleep and a cultivated bitch persona to acquaintances is no reason to ignore him for a day. poor boy... ah there.

in other news, Becca Pressed Shimmer powders are the BOMB. a $56 bomb, but, um, there you have it. bought one (Nefertiti) with some birthday money and now want more but am poor :(

xx

if you have two faces at least one should be pretty

I went to school with this girl, and yes, I did predict she'd turn out like this. she wasn't mean to me, but interesting things have been said about her behaviour at GWSC parties.

still. she's pretty in a valleygirl way.

weetzie kitten & her Secret Agent Elephant Man : last kiss

and now, it's finished. I'm... determined and a lot lighter. I'm glad we've forgiven. kind of upset, and it'll hurt for a bit. I'll be alright, though. I'll always be alright. I'm glad that he's happy, really. and some of the 'good' words and the 'good' questions never quite came out - but I think we understand each other. when it was good, it was really the fucking best - and how could anyone regret something that beautiful? we will make good friends, I think. kinda goes against my own theories, but I think we'll be okay. there will always be a 'what if?' and I could learn to appreciate that too, with time. but now (and perhaps for a bit longer,) I still think...

...maybe in the next life, ji.

trying to connect all the pieces I left but you scattered

I'm really kind of in love with this song. something about it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. los grandparents are finally moving out this weekend - and while they've been nice to have around, the feeling of getting to live in my own house will be good. streaking skyclad, here I come.

something like that, anyway.

school is being a bit of a pain but hey, que sera, sera right? I'm trying hard to stay upbeat and happy and I'm kind of torn between my various neuroses (is there actually going to be an email reply? what is the conspiracy? will I ever stop doing crap I have to apologize for? jesus christ, is he happy?) my revolutions work (only up to 1789, am so stressed!) and the terrifying spiral that is procrastination. add a pinch of avoiding the (soon to be ex) Boy, it's kind of depressing.

I dunno. I figure I'll figure it out after exams. that's kind of the mantra right now. after - exams. just keep it together til 5:15pm on the 15th. just - like - that. don't know if I can be sane right now but I gotta try, right? one thing about impeding disaster, it really perks the creativity. suddenly embarking on ambitious, derivative and utterly teenage writing projeckts just before major exams is a real forte. a leitmotif, the better part of me.

a hug would be awesome right now, but nobody gives me real hugs anymore.

this has been exceedingly honest, and reading back it - and the rest of my blog - make me sound like an obsessive, whiny, ungrateful user on the edge of doing something fickly selfish yet again. I'd like to think that I have a nice life, and that I can enjoy said life without needing certain factors + people, and live said life honestly without any (real) malicious intention towards others. I don't know if I succeeded but hey. maybe I should post when I'm not melancholy.

I think I still love you, but you're not reading this so what good does it do?

ten things you never knew about your favourite girl

1) the thing I miss most about my room is waking up in spring and watching rain hit my window.

2) I always keep tweezers and a mirror next to my bedside because I'm a bit obsessive about doing my brows every night.

3) I lie about my weight to everyone who asks. I'll tell the truth to the people who don't.

4) there are about five songs in the world that make me cry.

5) one of which is 'end of the road.'

6) I worry about whether I'll end up regretting stuff I've done.

7) I would love to become a writer, editor or makeup artist, and the thought of law school or accountancy or actuarial whatever scares me silly.

8) I hate slipping into a preconceived notion of myself around certain groups of people but I do it anyway. why, I don't know.

9) I'm acutely aware of how very young I am.

10) I really, really miss you.

xx

I am such a wanker

see subject.

une deux trois quatre - he doesn't really love me more

it's been awhile since I last blogged, this is hardly surprising.

I guess... I dunno. lots of change in some areas, less of some others. I keep wondering who reads this blog, who could read this blog and who ... I dunno. who could get upset by this, I s'pose. I keep meeting people I know from ages ago. strings of people I used to know. jesus.

M2, who amusingly enough is now dating a b-o-y. her mother must be so pleased. V, on the same day, who was pleasant enough but hey now now, I'm a resentful little creature somewhere in there. I suppose blame should be laid at my door for some of it, but, well, I did send off a text. that lot seems to not realize how difficult it is for me to talk to any of them. maybe not R but still I feel like I'm on the outside looking into a play that functions better without me.

I dunno. it's just - I kinda want to, but at the same time there's the reminder of that whole 'friendless' feeling. a lot of it was my fault, but it still hurts. the shutting-out, the Cold War that is slowly defrosting. I have no idea what's happening with that, though I'm conciling myself with the fact that a) I'm not over it, b) festering guilt is awful c) I'm an idiot and d)... d) he still has that uncanny ability to make me cry. unsurprising but kind of sad considering I've spent the better part of my teenage years pretending the inverse (ha. ha. ha.) of a).

I kinda just want to do something by him that I don't have to apologize for, y'know? it's so tired, it's so old and when I actually mean it the words sound reheated and rehashed. can we even be friends? does he even want to talk to me? this frustrates me and frightens me, but kinda makes me feel more ... I dunno. I guess, like waking up to a bit of myself.

I make myself sick, I do.

sigh.

in other news, I have new cosmetica pretties. Alexander McQueen for MAC (Masque lipstick & New Vegas Mineralize Skinfinish) have all but drained my bankie. the former is kind of an ugly nude on me, but the latter should be fantastichepastiche. I'm enjoying these minicouplets.

C's birthday passed, I bought him a silver bracelet. it's gorgeous, I want one for myself. might be a tad masculine but with my seven inches of foundation I doubt I'd be called 'butch.' Just 'depressing' and 'masochistic' and occasionally 'fucking ignorant.'

I'm dumping the (soon to be ex) Boy after exams. that much is pretty confirmed. I'm leaving for China at about midnight of the 29th/30th, and his last exam is about two weeks after the 8th... which would be about the 22nd. so... one week of pleading calls and frozen text messages. do I give back presents and stolen jumpers and that? what is the etiquette?




maybe I'm not cut out for functional relationships, maybe I'm too young, maybe I'm too jaded, maybe I fucked up when I shouldn't have but maybe baby never satisfied anyone.

all this bloody wrangling makes me wonder who my friends are, and who the fuck I'll still talk to next year. A, for sure. school kids, yeah, but I'm only really tight with S & H1. C will be in fucking toowoomba or townsville or turkmenistan or some shit like that. made him promise to call me regularly to tell me whether he's still prettier than me. sigh.

I guess next year will be back to square one. back to having few friends and facing a brave new world. this is going to be interesting.




revs exam in 31 deis - here's a quote of the day.
darnton : 'sexual corruption was readily associated with national corruption.'

xx

comfortable uncomfortable

I can't say that me & the Boy are at the junction of 'too much, too soon.' I'm not planning on marrying/ having sex with/ persuing (too much further) him.


...rather, it's become a case where I get what I want, in buckets and galumph-fuls. evidently, he likes me more than I like him. I'm not sure what happened but the spark's gone. maybe I never really liked him that much that way - just looking for a comfortable situation and for someone to adore me.

jeez, that sounds so bad.




I *will* wait til after exams.

he deserves *that* much at least.

like a comet pulled from orbit & a satellite from your heart

...somehow it manages to navigate in spite of it all.

this teenage angst thing is highly unimpressive. it needs to be gotten over. I don't want to be the girl bleating in the corner 'why don't people like me as much as I like them?'

simple. I am a douchebag who rarely makes time for others.

I need to get over myself. today I had a wild moment. a footloose, fancy-free moment where I contemplated getting out of bed and takin' everythang. to fly a little bit inside and to do something real because my god for one minute I felt cold, hard and fearless. maybe a little more than a minute.

I don't know what I am to do with myself. chess captain is hardly a position one goes for when one has just spent the last year ridding herself of the last vestiges. who am I kidding? no, really. it's not going to go away, because just like every other thing in my life, I'm not over it.

...and to boot, I can't find the Russian resources on the school server, I forgot the link to StudyWiz, I have no decent fiction & I can't relax.

sigh.

just get over yourself, girlie. just do it.

this is sounding like a tired reprise

from people left long long ago. still.

I'm fucking sick of being taken for fucking granted and I'm completely over putting people first. I don't give a shit if you're on a tram being fucked up the ass by some 6'7 alligator with strawberry jam, you're being rude and I'M DOING YOU A FAVOUR by even listening to you with a SAC the next day.

& to C, can you *get* any more retarded? You'd curry more favour if you spent five hundred bucks on me, loser. And you know what, that might actually be proportionate to the shit I *gave* about your sanity. Not to be a loser, but jesus f-christ, 'The God Delusion' is not an appropriate birthday gift. BOOKS NEVER ARE. the gift you're giving A, however, *is,* and also happens to be awesome.

A, who you haven't talked to in a month or so. Yeah. Smart. You obviously think highly of me.

Douchebag.

Seriously.

no love,
me.

I am, however, two kilos thinner. Five more to go before I have something resembling 'beach body.' Here's to the getting of a waist.

oh yeah, and

my fucking ironic music taste pisses me off right now. don't I have better shitty rap?

when I was a young girl...

fucking hell.

I'm fucking sick of C, I'm sick of fucking school and for fuck's sake, being fat is not fun. Don't tell me that being size 10 is normal for my height, I look awkward in photos and I hate not having a waist/having too much arm. I will fucking lose seven kilos in the next two months or - I don't know, but fuck. '

Fucking hell, C gave me fucking books for my fucking birthday, he's being completely shitty &he's fucking with my head. This is him all over again. Fucking insensitive bastard with a fucking terrible obstinate asshat complex. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.

no love.

happy birthday to me =)

see subject :D

this is how we learn?

REASONS WHY I AM DATING A (RELATIVE) SAINT:

- he claims to adore me
- he does stuff to the effect of statement 1)
- he doesn't hate on me for dissing some of his friends :P
- he was all stoic & shit about C but didn't say anything
- wait, yeah, he did, I just didn't pay enough attention to it and didn't take it seriously enough
- he's STILL apologizing more than I am.
- he spent about an hour yesterday trying to convince his mother that I am not, in fact, a slutpuppy. LAKSJDFLKDSJFLADSJFKASJDF.
- he didn't dump me over the shit that went down last night, and probably won't.
- he's still throwing a thing for me Sunday & having dinner with my lot
- he still claims to adore me.

aldskfjasdkjfsladkfj;sadfj how do I get myself INTO this kind of crap?!

Saturday plans have been changed. A & I are doing a girly night out, C has been instructed to cancel. my grandparents are here to stay, god, they'll meet the Boy. no more library sessions with C, it just causes way too much fuss... sigh.

it would just be easier to NOT have a birthday kthnx.

xx

quick & dirty

- I have a new red dress, same as my yellow number for my formal. it will be a suprise :)

- HP7 = disappointment. I predicted it, but then again, I feel a tad sorry for JK. then, I think of the money she makes and immediately I revert to my sadistic self.

- school doesn't kick quite as hard now.

- Someone is still deliciously clueless, but

- C has found out about his early birthday gift, and is now flittering about in a fuss. still has the gall to complain that I am impossible to buy for. toyed with putting up a wishlist of frivolities, but I figured that a) boys buying me makeup is a bit too personal, 2) it'd apply too much pressure and finally, I'm interested in what he thinks is appropriate. hm.

and for the record, dear...

...this is my little lipstick collection. comparatively teeny. one of these days, I'll probably be hailed as the Imelda of cosmetics, and that would just rock. til then, working for funds to acquire said cosmetics :P

xx

blame it on your favourite past

I like her. I do. Victoria Beckham is bloody amusing. I spent lunch YouTubing the sucker, and I still have a couple of old Spice Girls songs on my iPod.

blast from the past, back in NZ, I rented the movie after it was released. this was a pretty big deal for me - I didn't realize it at the time, but we were pretty tight with money - and the girl next door had seen it at the cinema. I invited her and her brother over to watch it, and oh my god, the havoc. I ended up in tears for one reason or another, and had to clean up. I was, what, 9? obscenely young. jejune, even, thank you Schama.

and plus, I was always Posh when we played :P

got called 'pompous' by my lit teacher today, and asked to redo my paragraph. I'm oddly amused, because I got an A on it anyway. heh :) she's a cranky old bat, but then again, I was a bit insane in my other unmarked piece. we'll see. maths test over with, I lost about ten marks minimum. ouch.

it's my birthday in a couple of weeks. strange sense of excitement, grandparents coming in a week or so. I'm relegated to the study floor, o great injustice! overblown declarations aside, they should be interesting. three months... heh, the Boy might have a hernia or two. I've come to appreciate asian tradition more, don't ask though...

so, yeah, birthday. I'm really pretty happy. don't know what I'm getting - los parentals bought me some Schama, A is giving me funds for my obsession and... I dunno. I'm quite curious about four particularly - the Parentals, part deux; the Boy; C & L, the last just simply wondering if I'd get anything at all. heh.

xx

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Robespierre : Nobody likes armed missionaries :)

the jacarandah room, part trois

vaguely tipsy about the world. H1 came over today, I did her eyes in teals and blues. I've created another fiend, heh :) am trying to sell off some of my makeup collection, it's difficult considering postal rates.

C & I haven't really spoken since his shindig Saturday. that was an, er, interesting night. found out somehow that the Boy has the biggest jealous streak in the southern hemisphere, except when it comes to certain things. I will never understand males, ever. anyway, I ended up participating not in inebriation, but somehow in a) attempting and failing at teaching people RISK, 2) winning Twister (twice) and er, kissing A.

yeah, don't ask.

spent the night at A's, and the following day downing alfredo fettucini and watching terrible horror movies. it was nice to see my girl again, one-on-one... however, my sacrifices this past weekend have been great.

1 (one) scarf, green-and-dark-green
1 (one) brown men's jumper, heather
1 (one) RISK game
1 (one) towel, blue terry
1 (one) item of sanity

xx

narcissus at the water

met the Boy's father yesterday - the biological one. here from the US. a real firecracker of a guy, endlessly cracking unpolitically-correct jokes and I think he'd be quite good to have a decent conversation with if you ever got past the entertaining bit.

it's odd how different the Boy is with him - I mean, I see him relaxed lots of the time, but it's not the same sort - around me, he's more fuzzy and kidlike, but around his father it's like he's relaxed, but totally energised. it's so weird. I can't articulate it any better than that, unfortunately.

his father's a decent guy. they're more like brothers than father & son. don't know what he thinks of me, but I think he doesn't have any negative feelings towards me, at least. fingers crossed that I passed :P

if you'd have asked me a year, eighteen months ago, whether I thought I'd be here, the answer would be a resounding 'no.' knowing me, probably something a little more acerbic. oddly enough, I'm okay. that's probably a cop-out, and in ten years I hope I don't have regrets, but I like not feeling like I *have* to be something amazing. I still *want* to, more than I could say, and I still kinda miss that life.

I'm still trying to figure it all out, really.

xx

hey now, hey now, I know something's got a hold on you...

I gotta say, the MAC C-Shock collection is tempting me - Wondergrass eyeshadow, Overrich lipstick & maybe Lil' Sizzler lipgelee - oh how I want. however, Flashtronic & MAC for McQueen *will* bankrupt me like nothing else. sigh sigh sigh. lets hope that the birthday fairies are kind, heh :)

in other, way important news - I'M GOING TO CROWDED HOUSE! oh, this love affair has gone on far too long without a live show... they are just lovely, really. the new album hasn't quite captured my fancy like some of their other stuff, but I've got a few months to warm up to it!

(four months, to be exact!)

which is scary, because one week after the concert, I have my history exam. I spreadsheeted my makeup a couple of days ago, I've yet to spreadsheet my books - god, I don't know which one would be worse. probably the makeup, but not by much.

songs neil must play or I will be upset:
- better be home soon
- private universe
- into temptation
- fall at your feet
- something so strong

& yeah :D don't dream it's over is a given, I'd hate to imagine the backlash of a show without it... though they're probably all sick to death of it! I'm going with the Boy, whose father arrived yesterday - yes, the very father I'm meeting tomorrow. gulp.

spent yesterday with C, studying and buying looseleaf paper at 1cent per 200 sheets. yes, really. we met his ex, too, in the state library - and there we were, with red (his) & black (mine) pen all over ourselves and bickering about simon schama. he's hosting a RISK night on saturdei, am staying with A. still not sure how he feels towards me since completely being turned off his latest paramour, who by all accounts is very sweet and would be perfect for him.

yeah, who am I kidding, he doesn't still hold a torch for me :P

going to immerse myself in orlando figes now...

xx

broken breakers & the crash

so. how to make sense of the past day?

I kind of regret cutting thursday. definitely not something I'm going to do in the future - it just doesn't feel right. conscience, conscience, oh dirty conscience of me. met C for a coffee - admittedly, C egged me on some. had a bit of fun, wandered around - I'm very unsetted without agenda.

made our way to richmond, and somehow brought the Boy into the thing. he was a bit taken aback by my newfound rebelliousness, I was bitchy & distant to both of them. monty python was still good and C gave me a mix CD. I haven't committed hara-kiri yet, but since I have my chemical romance/linkin park/the used on my PC now, maybe I should.

friday... was odd. seeing them - him - again make me kind of jittery. it's one thing to know that your 'friends' disdain you and think the worst of you and like him better - it's another to see it in action. I sent a text message awhile back to V, it was never answered. I'm still a bit conflicted over what happened but I guess I can live with it.

it's not like I can do anything else.

I got a number, but we both get that I'm not going to actually use it. I might see them again September, but I don't know. I do know that I'm really shit now - 4/7 is a pathetic score, and I should have paid more attention.

he looks well. I'm glad for him. questions were asked but nothing really important was gleaned, by me at the very least. it was satisfying, however, for the smallest of moments, to ascertain that I've still got it. it doesn't matter anymore, and that kind of evolved into a hollowness that's just so meaningless.

I don't think I've changed much, but I'm biased, I guess.

I don't think I have. a little bit of a paradigm shift, but overall, it's still me. I still have the same ideas about things, and I still do stupid shit and I'm still crap at relationships, I'd like to think I've grown up a little bit and maybe I'm not as loud & uncaring. friday dismissed that notion a little - I could feel me slipping back into an old bravado.

the Boy is a darling. made me brownies. would have been better if pictures didn't turn up this morning of him with a little blonde wrapped around him. slightly grumpy, his dad is arriving in 12 hours. have no idea if he still wants the meeting to him, at this point I'd like to hold onto someone - anyone - and sleep for a good long while.

just til my skin gets a little harder.

just for a bit.

xx

i took a loan out and said 'i never'

I haven't mentioned this before, but I absolutely abhor kissing people I've only just met on the cheek. of course, this does now apply if I think you're genuinely the kind to do such a thing, or highly attractive (but I'm not attracted.)

last night was full of people who did that.

boys, please realize that if you've met me once, not remembering my name is fine. what is not fine is ignoring me the first time, and the second time giving me a once-over, and then kissing me. urgh.

the after-gathering was many, many kinds of awesome, however. C's house was ours for the ravaging for four glorious hours, the Boy & co. brought kegs of Heinekin. tasteless but what can you do? nobody went over the 'bad' side of drunk, nobody had a bad time and I started a game of 'I never' which will remain memorable for months to come. C's best friend, D, hit on me for the duration of the evening, mildly. possibly because he was slightly tipsy, but we played chess. he played theory through the first few moves of a Sicilian, I was kind of amused. depasquale is still writing for the Age chess column, what a clown... I kind of like getting the paper delivered. something about sitting and reading with toast feels right on Saturdays.

speaking of, the Boy's father is coming over from America next Saturday, so I won't see him for awhile. I still keep pondering the question over and over... what to do?

xx

had we but World enough, and Time...

...I'd tell you absolutely everything.

however, you'll have to be content - for now - of a super-quick breakdown. things on the C front have now settled, and I think we'll be okay. maybe it makes me a bad person, but I really have lost quite a bit of respect for him. I spoke with him last night, and it's striking how much I think we *wouldn't* work.

we may never know :P

I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to regret most things I say nowadays. I don't know why - it's all far less controversial than it was a year, a couple of years ago. odd, odd, odd I say.

the Boy's formal is tomorrow - I am actually quite psyched. fake eyelashes, a hopefully-okay contour job, decent hair and plenty of shimmer on the decolletage. he's a good sort, really, and he makes me laugh. I don't s'pose one can really ask for more, can they? afterparty is at C's, and I'm sure there'll be some sort of drunken revelry. not sure what to think, but I'm not planning on doing any drinking.

A is annoyed at me, but that's sort of unavoidable what with the drama. I'll post a few photos if I'm game enough. does anyone ever read this thing? besides some weirdos who advertise in spanish and hawkers selling viagara? no, I don't suppose.

exams were fine. mostly in 80-100%s, so I'm fine. still gotta keep pushin' it if I want to make it into optometry straight from 2009 - only 10 CSP supported places, which is sort of bullshit but oh well. oh, and, a list from my revs class!

HISTORIANS IN FIVE MINUTES :

- SCHAMA: this event is a good example of how blood drove the revolution forward!
- DOYLE : this event is a turning point.
- SOBOUL: this event is a result of class struggle!
- FURET: this unfortunate happenstance was due to a multitude of extenuating factors.
- MCPHEE : sometimes yes, sometimes no.

will add to this list as we do :P

had the weirdest dream last night. I was carrying someone's child and had absolutely no idea until he confronted me about it. thinking back, it kind of makes sense. it scared me to absolute bits.

xx

love, love, is a verb

it's been an odd day. odd happenings. I've been listening to Massive Attack all day - Mezzaine. I remember my first Liz Fraser track - Heaven or Las Vegas, and it makes me smile wryly a little inside.

the one thing I hate about House MD is how they almost ruined Teardrop for me.

ch-ch-ch-changes

my head is fully sorted out. C & I are just not going to happen, &, well, not because of me. it's weird, because I have more guilt on A's front than the Boy's. I am indeed a terrible friend, & I have been forced to eat my words with many utensils.

oh, C. why'd you do it - what'd you do that for? if you had just gone either way - kept quiet or made a real fuss, I'd have so much more respect for you. you only get one shot so you better make it a good one. I'm not calling you a coward & you can probably argue that it's better for both our sakes, not to mention the collateral damage it'd cause - but it stands like this, baby:

you don't care enough to try.

& I totally respect that. but you've left me out of theory and out of touch, and I gotta ask, I gotta request - stop bein' so nice to me, stop making me look twice and stop calling me. there's nothing worse than looking down upon such an (otherwise-ly awesome) guy. your actions say all the things that I am afraid of you saying/wanting you to say. so goddamnit, I'll shut up, and I'll forget it, & don't worry - I won't tell him a thing.

in other news, exams ended a week ago.

damn yankees!

god, gwen verdon is a sweetheart. exams begin tomorrow, full marks received on the last history assessment, so that's decent, at least. am horrendously sick. the Boy is annoying me for no reason whatsoever, and I have a craving for the new Moonbathe collection by MAC. life dislikes m'wallet, obviously.

xx

me > mcphee

so, I did almost nothing constructive this weekend. friday was a fleshpot of an evening, where the girls from school got down with these incredibly repulsive boys, an action that makes me reconsider ever going out with them ever again. I know I will, though. I will, however, scrub my brain before and after.

saturday, I saw Pirates of the Carribbean. I have to say, I'm appreciating Orlando a lot more now that he talks less :P isn't that always the case, though? anyway, it wasn't really worth three hours of my life, or twelve dollars, but what can you do? the Boy liked it, so, y'know. we went out to dinner - penne calabrese is absolutely amazing, as is eating gelati outside, by the river in midwinter. beautiful :)

aaaaand today : david garriot & peter mcphee. my god, the biggest wastes of time, ever. mcphee got pompous about peasantry, and I asked to what extent he agreed with the statement that the peasants took their cues from the bourgeoisie and aristocracy, i.e. in the direction & actions of the sans-culotte directed revolution. or something to that effect.

"sometimes yes, sometimes no"

...what? the? f-? I used 'to what extent' deliberately to initiate discussion.

no, I don't understand how that is supposed to answer my question, either. really. basically, this weekend has been a malestrom of timewastage, and fuckwittery. utter fuckwittery. missed an assessment this morning for chinese, but I'm beyond caring at this point. also met an incredibly idiotic boy named matthew, who only makes me more prejudiced against the lovely boys of xavier.

came home, made a fabulous spag bol, and am now going to bed. b-e-d where all is g-o-o-d. possibly with Furet's 'revolutionary france, 1770-1880.' note the judicious application of capitals throughout my post.

in other, possibly less exciting but definitely more relevant news, the Boy's formal is coming up. I'm still not sure whether I should go with the long or short dress. asdafkljd. decisions, decisions, decisions. C & I are good again, which makes me very happy.

exam counter : 3 days to go.

xx

life, love & the humble biscuit

that's it. I can no longer take it. the only thing keeping me sane are theses beauties:

to paraphrase schama, '[her] worst moment and [her] best.' rather rushdie. published in the same year - who copied whom?

over&out!

xx

showdown at the celadon city gym

I forget life too easily. exams are getting me down, but I live. if not, A gets everything, and per our previous agreement, A's brother gets anything she doesn't want.

(don't ask!)

on the personal side of things, C & I are still on the outs. I'm not so vain that I think he's posting provocative photos for my benefit, but it's amusingly off-putting. silly boy. I'm still trying to figure that one out, because the conclusion I've come to is completely undesirable. (a regular male, who is straight and as such, can be and sometimes is, totally insensitive.)

the History Kids are all aflutter with the assessment coming up, H1 & H2 are all prepped though. I'm oscillating between short periods of wild productivity and procrastination. unfortunately, the 'wild productivity' < 'procrastination.' by a large margin. so what does one do after one has played 20 games of minesweeper? why, check out pretties on eluxury.com, of course!

I love this Pucci Cupola silk scarf - a cool $260US, but in my dreams, perhaps. it looks really awkward in cream, though - shame, shame.

xx

warm memories & cold nights

it's probably a system glitch, or a friendly automated 'do you STILL want all this free netspace?' but I like to find a bit of mystery in it. a sweet reminder from the 'interverse that it still likes me, p'haps?

that aside, it reminded me that I did enjoy blogging, and that post - three years old - is looking more adorable by the day. less adorable were the ads hawking scholastic degrees online - I'm really beginning to be quite insecure about my ability to get into a real uni! so, a short introduction : I was once lisbourne and am now again, (I kinda like the results of Googling it - jason lisbourne, eat your heart out!) I enjoy cheese, history and most frivolity. I blog about beauty, school and my life. I'm not the lisbourne I once was.

& now, study awaits. my fate bows and scrapes to the 'crises faced by the new regime in 1791-3.' as william doyle likes to say - this is a 'turning point.' the man is far too fond of that term, I should really let him know.

xx