so. how to make sense of the past day?
I kind of regret cutting thursday. definitely not something I'm going to do in the future - it just doesn't feel right. conscience, conscience, oh dirty conscience of me. met C for a coffee - admittedly, C egged me on some. had a bit of fun, wandered around - I'm very unsetted without agenda.
made our way to richmond, and somehow brought the Boy into the thing. he was a bit taken aback by my newfound rebelliousness, I was bitchy & distant to both of them. monty python was still good and C gave me a mix CD. I haven't committed hara-kiri yet, but since I have my chemical romance/linkin park/the used on my PC now, maybe I should.
friday... was odd. seeing them - him - again make me kind of jittery. it's one thing to know that your 'friends' disdain you and think the worst of you and like him better - it's another to see it in action. I sent a text message awhile back to V, it was never answered. I'm still a bit conflicted over what happened but I guess I can live with it.
it's not like I can do anything else.
I got a number, but we both get that I'm not going to actually use it. I might see them again September, but I don't know. I do know that I'm really shit now - 4/7 is a pathetic score, and I should have paid more attention.
he looks well. I'm glad for him. questions were asked but nothing really important was gleaned, by me at the very least. it was satisfying, however, for the smallest of moments, to ascertain that I've still got it. it doesn't matter anymore, and that kind of evolved into a hollowness that's just so meaningless.
I don't think I've changed much, but I'm biased, I guess.
I don't think I have. a little bit of a paradigm shift, but overall, it's still me. I still have the same ideas about things, and I still do stupid shit and I'm still crap at relationships, I'd like to think I've grown up a little bit and maybe I'm not as loud & uncaring. friday dismissed that notion a little - I could feel me slipping back into an old bravado.
the Boy is a darling. made me brownies. would have been better if pictures didn't turn up this morning of him with a little blonde wrapped around him. slightly grumpy, his dad is arriving in 12 hours. have no idea if he still wants the meeting to him, at this point I'd like to hold onto someone - anyone - and sleep for a good long while.
just til my skin gets a little harder.
just for a bit.
xx
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
i took a loan out and said 'i never'
I haven't mentioned this before, but I absolutely abhor kissing people I've only just met on the cheek. of course, this does now apply if I think you're genuinely the kind to do such a thing, or highly attractive (but I'm not attracted.)
last night was full of people who did that.
boys, please realize that if you've met me once, not remembering my name is fine. what is not fine is ignoring me the first time, and the second time giving me a once-over, and then kissing me. urgh.
the after-gathering was many, many kinds of awesome, however. C's house was ours for the ravaging for four glorious hours, the Boy & co. brought kegs of Heinekin. tasteless but what can you do? nobody went over the 'bad' side of drunk, nobody had a bad time and I started a game of 'I never' which will remain memorable for months to come. C's best friend, D, hit on me for the duration of the evening, mildly. possibly because he was slightly tipsy, but we played chess. he played theory through the first few moves of a Sicilian, I was kind of amused. depasquale is still writing for the Age chess column, what a clown... I kind of like getting the paper delivered. something about sitting and reading with toast feels right on Saturdays.
speaking of, the Boy's father is coming over from America next Saturday, so I won't see him for awhile. I still keep pondering the question over and over... what to do?
xx
last night was full of people who did that.
boys, please realize that if you've met me once, not remembering my name is fine. what is not fine is ignoring me the first time, and the second time giving me a once-over, and then kissing me. urgh.
the after-gathering was many, many kinds of awesome, however. C's house was ours for the ravaging for four glorious hours, the Boy & co. brought kegs of Heinekin. tasteless but what can you do? nobody went over the 'bad' side of drunk, nobody had a bad time and I started a game of 'I never' which will remain memorable for months to come. C's best friend, D, hit on me for the duration of the evening, mildly. possibly because he was slightly tipsy, but we played chess. he played theory through the first few moves of a Sicilian, I was kind of amused. depasquale is still writing for the Age chess column, what a clown... I kind of like getting the paper delivered. something about sitting and reading with toast feels right on Saturdays.
speaking of, the Boy's father is coming over from America next Saturday, so I won't see him for awhile. I still keep pondering the question over and over... what to do?
xx
Thursday, June 21, 2007
had we but World enough, and Time...
...I'd tell you absolutely everything.
however, you'll have to be content - for now - of a super-quick breakdown. things on the C front have now settled, and I think we'll be okay. maybe it makes me a bad person, but I really have lost quite a bit of respect for him. I spoke with him last night, and it's striking how much I think we *wouldn't* work.
we may never know :P
I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to regret most things I say nowadays. I don't know why - it's all far less controversial than it was a year, a couple of years ago. odd, odd, odd I say.
the Boy's formal is tomorrow - I am actually quite psyched. fake eyelashes, a hopefully-okay contour job, decent hair and plenty of shimmer on the decolletage. he's a good sort, really, and he makes me laugh. I don't s'pose one can really ask for more, can they? afterparty is at C's, and I'm sure there'll be some sort of drunken revelry. not sure what to think, but I'm not planning on doing any drinking.
A is annoyed at me, but that's sort of unavoidable what with the drama. I'll post a few photos if I'm game enough. does anyone ever read this thing? besides some weirdos who advertise in spanish and hawkers selling viagara? no, I don't suppose.
exams were fine. mostly in 80-100%s, so I'm fine. still gotta keep pushin' it if I want to make it into optometry straight from 2009 - only 10 CSP supported places, which is sort of bullshit but oh well. oh, and, a list from my revs class!
- DOYLE : this event is a turning point.
- SOBOUL: this event is a result of class struggle!
- FURET: this unfortunate happenstance was due to a multitude of extenuating factors.
- MCPHEE : sometimes yes, sometimes no.
will add to this list as we do :P
had the weirdest dream last night. I was carrying someone's child and had absolutely no idea until he confronted me about it. thinking back, it kind of makes sense. it scared me to absolute bits.
xx
however, you'll have to be content - for now - of a super-quick breakdown. things on the C front have now settled, and I think we'll be okay. maybe it makes me a bad person, but I really have lost quite a bit of respect for him. I spoke with him last night, and it's striking how much I think we *wouldn't* work.
we may never know :P
I have this terrible feeling that I'm going to regret most things I say nowadays. I don't know why - it's all far less controversial than it was a year, a couple of years ago. odd, odd, odd I say.
the Boy's formal is tomorrow - I am actually quite psyched. fake eyelashes, a hopefully-okay contour job, decent hair and plenty of shimmer on the decolletage. he's a good sort, really, and he makes me laugh. I don't s'pose one can really ask for more, can they? afterparty is at C's, and I'm sure there'll be some sort of drunken revelry. not sure what to think, but I'm not planning on doing any drinking.
A is annoyed at me, but that's sort of unavoidable what with the drama. I'll post a few photos if I'm game enough. does anyone ever read this thing? besides some weirdos who advertise in spanish and hawkers selling viagara? no, I don't suppose.
exams were fine. mostly in 80-100%s, so I'm fine. still gotta keep pushin' it if I want to make it into optometry straight from 2009 - only 10 CSP supported places, which is sort of bullshit but oh well. oh, and, a list from my revs class!
HISTORIANS IN FIVE MINUTES :
- SCHAMA: this event is a good example of how blood drove the revolution forward!- DOYLE : this event is a turning point.
- SOBOUL: this event is a result of class struggle!
- FURET: this unfortunate happenstance was due to a multitude of extenuating factors.
- MCPHEE : sometimes yes, sometimes no.
will add to this list as we do :P
had the weirdest dream last night. I was carrying someone's child and had absolutely no idea until he confronted me about it. thinking back, it kind of makes sense. it scared me to absolute bits.
xx
Monday, June 11, 2007
love, love, is a verb
it's been an odd day. odd happenings. I've been listening to Massive Attack all day - Mezzaine. I remember my first Liz Fraser track - Heaven or Las Vegas, and it makes me smile wryly a little inside.
the one thing I hate about House MD is how they almost ruined Teardrop for me.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
ch-ch-ch-changes
my head is fully sorted out. C & I are just not going to happen, &, well, not because of me. it's weird, because I have more guilt on A's front than the Boy's. I am indeed a terrible friend, & I have been forced to eat my words with many utensils.
oh, C. why'd you do it - what'd you do that for? if you had just gone either way - kept quiet or made a real fuss, I'd have so much more respect for you. you only get one shot so you better make it a good one. I'm not calling you a coward & you can probably argue that it's better for both our sakes, not to mention the collateral damage it'd cause - but it stands like this, baby:
you don't care enough to try.
& I totally respect that. but you've left me out of theory and out of touch, and I gotta ask, I gotta request - stop bein' so nice to me, stop making me look twice and stop calling me. there's nothing worse than looking down upon such an (otherwise-ly awesome) guy. your actions say all the things that I am afraid of you saying/wanting you to say. so goddamnit, I'll shut up, and I'll forget it, & don't worry - I won't tell him a thing.
in other news, exams ended a week ago.
oh, C. why'd you do it - what'd you do that for? if you had just gone either way - kept quiet or made a real fuss, I'd have so much more respect for you. you only get one shot so you better make it a good one. I'm not calling you a coward & you can probably argue that it's better for both our sakes, not to mention the collateral damage it'd cause - but it stands like this, baby:
you don't care enough to try.
& I totally respect that. but you've left me out of theory and out of touch, and I gotta ask, I gotta request - stop bein' so nice to me, stop making me look twice and stop calling me. there's nothing worse than looking down upon such an (otherwise-ly awesome) guy. your actions say all the things that I am afraid of you saying/wanting you to say. so goddamnit, I'll shut up, and I'll forget it, & don't worry - I won't tell him a thing.
in other news, exams ended a week ago.
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