if you have two faces at least one should be pretty

I went to school with this girl, and yes, I did predict she'd turn out like this. she wasn't mean to me, but interesting things have been said about her behaviour at GWSC parties.

still. she's pretty in a valleygirl way.

weetzie kitten & her Secret Agent Elephant Man : last kiss

and now, it's finished. I'm... determined and a lot lighter. I'm glad we've forgiven. kind of upset, and it'll hurt for a bit. I'll be alright, though. I'll always be alright. I'm glad that he's happy, really. and some of the 'good' words and the 'good' questions never quite came out - but I think we understand each other. when it was good, it was really the fucking best - and how could anyone regret something that beautiful? we will make good friends, I think. kinda goes against my own theories, but I think we'll be okay. there will always be a 'what if?' and I could learn to appreciate that too, with time. but now (and perhaps for a bit longer,) I still think...

...maybe in the next life, ji.

trying to connect all the pieces I left but you scattered

I'm really kind of in love with this song. something about it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. los grandparents are finally moving out this weekend - and while they've been nice to have around, the feeling of getting to live in my own house will be good. streaking skyclad, here I come.

something like that, anyway.

school is being a bit of a pain but hey, que sera, sera right? I'm trying hard to stay upbeat and happy and I'm kind of torn between my various neuroses (is there actually going to be an email reply? what is the conspiracy? will I ever stop doing crap I have to apologize for? jesus christ, is he happy?) my revolutions work (only up to 1789, am so stressed!) and the terrifying spiral that is procrastination. add a pinch of avoiding the (soon to be ex) Boy, it's kind of depressing.

I dunno. I figure I'll figure it out after exams. that's kind of the mantra right now. after - exams. just keep it together til 5:15pm on the 15th. just - like - that. don't know if I can be sane right now but I gotta try, right? one thing about impeding disaster, it really perks the creativity. suddenly embarking on ambitious, derivative and utterly teenage writing projeckts just before major exams is a real forte. a leitmotif, the better part of me.

a hug would be awesome right now, but nobody gives me real hugs anymore.

this has been exceedingly honest, and reading back it - and the rest of my blog - make me sound like an obsessive, whiny, ungrateful user on the edge of doing something fickly selfish yet again. I'd like to think that I have a nice life, and that I can enjoy said life without needing certain factors + people, and live said life honestly without any (real) malicious intention towards others. I don't know if I succeeded but hey. maybe I should post when I'm not melancholy.

I think I still love you, but you're not reading this so what good does it do?

ten things you never knew about your favourite girl

1) the thing I miss most about my room is waking up in spring and watching rain hit my window.

2) I always keep tweezers and a mirror next to my bedside because I'm a bit obsessive about doing my brows every night.

3) I lie about my weight to everyone who asks. I'll tell the truth to the people who don't.

4) there are about five songs in the world that make me cry.

5) one of which is 'end of the road.'

6) I worry about whether I'll end up regretting stuff I've done.

7) I would love to become a writer, editor or makeup artist, and the thought of law school or accountancy or actuarial whatever scares me silly.

8) I hate slipping into a preconceived notion of myself around certain groups of people but I do it anyway. why, I don't know.

9) I'm acutely aware of how very young I am.

10) I really, really miss you.

xx

I am such a wanker

see subject.

une deux trois quatre - he doesn't really love me more

it's been awhile since I last blogged, this is hardly surprising.

I guess... I dunno. lots of change in some areas, less of some others. I keep wondering who reads this blog, who could read this blog and who ... I dunno. who could get upset by this, I s'pose. I keep meeting people I know from ages ago. strings of people I used to know. jesus.

M2, who amusingly enough is now dating a b-o-y. her mother must be so pleased. V, on the same day, who was pleasant enough but hey now now, I'm a resentful little creature somewhere in there. I suppose blame should be laid at my door for some of it, but, well, I did send off a text. that lot seems to not realize how difficult it is for me to talk to any of them. maybe not R but still I feel like I'm on the outside looking into a play that functions better without me.

I dunno. it's just - I kinda want to, but at the same time there's the reminder of that whole 'friendless' feeling. a lot of it was my fault, but it still hurts. the shutting-out, the Cold War that is slowly defrosting. I have no idea what's happening with that, though I'm conciling myself with the fact that a) I'm not over it, b) festering guilt is awful c) I'm an idiot and d)... d) he still has that uncanny ability to make me cry. unsurprising but kind of sad considering I've spent the better part of my teenage years pretending the inverse (ha. ha. ha.) of a).

I kinda just want to do something by him that I don't have to apologize for, y'know? it's so tired, it's so old and when I actually mean it the words sound reheated and rehashed. can we even be friends? does he even want to talk to me? this frustrates me and frightens me, but kinda makes me feel more ... I dunno. I guess, like waking up to a bit of myself.

I make myself sick, I do.

sigh.

in other news, I have new cosmetica pretties. Alexander McQueen for MAC (Masque lipstick & New Vegas Mineralize Skinfinish) have all but drained my bankie. the former is kind of an ugly nude on me, but the latter should be fantastichepastiche. I'm enjoying these minicouplets.

C's birthday passed, I bought him a silver bracelet. it's gorgeous, I want one for myself. might be a tad masculine but with my seven inches of foundation I doubt I'd be called 'butch.' Just 'depressing' and 'masochistic' and occasionally 'fucking ignorant.'

I'm dumping the (soon to be ex) Boy after exams. that much is pretty confirmed. I'm leaving for China at about midnight of the 29th/30th, and his last exam is about two weeks after the 8th... which would be about the 22nd. so... one week of pleading calls and frozen text messages. do I give back presents and stolen jumpers and that? what is the etiquette?




maybe I'm not cut out for functional relationships, maybe I'm too young, maybe I'm too jaded, maybe I fucked up when I shouldn't have but maybe baby never satisfied anyone.

all this bloody wrangling makes me wonder who my friends are, and who the fuck I'll still talk to next year. A, for sure. school kids, yeah, but I'm only really tight with S & H1. C will be in fucking toowoomba or townsville or turkmenistan or some shit like that. made him promise to call me regularly to tell me whether he's still prettier than me. sigh.

I guess next year will be back to square one. back to having few friends and facing a brave new world. this is going to be interesting.




revs exam in 31 deis - here's a quote of the day.
darnton : 'sexual corruption was readily associated with national corruption.'

xx