lets get together before we get much older

Listening to a Bic Runga track released when I was seven (just a baby), it's comforting. I want to gather the beautiful, the familiar and the well-treaded to me and just burrow in. I feel kind of lost and aimless and stupid, running around without a clue, blindly, ridiculously. Things I'm currently kind of concerned about:

• School. Still have no idea what I wanna do. Mon offered me a scholarship for anything in the Education faculty, something that made me pause but not stop. I'll just be an ordinary Commerce student after all. I'm so confused, there's three more days to change my preferences and I'm JUST NOT SURE.
  
  
• I think I'm working too much. I do get days off occasionally but they're few and in-betwixt long, long shifts and irritating hours. And it's Christmas, and I do want to stay, so, y'know, gotta stick with it. I'm just so sick of being nice and I have a messed up sleep/food schedule now that I can never figure out.
  
  
• Sometimes I still see your face, just a flash, in the street.
  
  
• Old history teacher who resigned mid-term Two this year has apparently been charged for possession of child pornography. I'm kind of shocked and a little bit sad, because I thought he was a really decent guy. Kind of can't reconcile the man and the madness.
  
  
• Was on a semidate with this guy I know, not sure how I feel about it all. He was kind of annoying throughout - kept comparing me to this guy I really dislike and throwing out insinuations about aforementioned annoying guy. Felt kind of crappy at the end of it - spending three hours in bad company is hardly fun. Dunno what to think... I mean, why ask me out if you're just going to antagonize me? D from work thinks he's just a dickhead, but L thinks that it may just be nerves.
  
  So not sure what to do with that, but at least I can DO something about that, as opposed to the other dot points. I s'pose follow L's advice, let it lie for a few weeks and then maybe catch up again to see if he's still a wanker.
  
  
• Miss my Mummy already :(
  

I guess I wanna know when these ashes'll blow away

Did some cleaning out today, was kinda brutal on myself. Most of it was chucked, but I kept one box. I figure the stuff in that box is pretty important. Took a look through all of my old journals - I sporadically keep paper journals now, used to love keeping them as a teenager. I was a bit of an airhead, really, but I can laugh at that. There are a couple of things that I can't laugh at - some that I still want to shed a tear over (my god darling, you are so stupid so stupid so stupid it hurts). Irony and serendipity had them a little party together, someone asked about the Regent.

The downfall of an empire, hah. What a ... I don't have the words.

Aside from today's surprising little barb - life has been good to me. Today was strange, a little flashy, an astonishing kind of sadness. I guess there is not much I can really do about that, is there? No, no. Nothing. Work is progressing, currently waiting for my manager to give me a damn call already so I can get some shifts. I do jigsaws again, and line my eyes a lot with flashy colours.

recklessness of water/ they cannot see me naked

I finished yesterday, which hasn't totally sunk in yet, I think. I feel no massive release, no weight lifting, etc. etc. etc. Maybe it's because I'm foregoing a holiday but really - what would I be doing now? I couldn't be on a beach, because not everyone's finished yet, and I couldn't be doing naught but watching daytime television and vegging.

Instead, we plunge into the bookselling/working/wineandchocolatedistribution/moneyfromschoolseeking routine, which is kind of exhausting. I haven't shopped as much as I thought I would've (good) and haven't socialized as much as I thought I would. I did go to DJs preemployment today though, my feet are killing me and there's only going to be more walking tonight. Not looking forward to going out - I'm running on 4.5 hours of sleep, a slice of pizza and 750mls of water. Doubtless I will be plied with alcamahol :P Sigh. We'll see.

I hope it all works out well.



Kind of what I'd like to do? Go nightswimming, somewhere warm, alone. Not the smartest thing in the world, but maybe a lovely one.

listen late last night...

...and I felt okay. Really, really okay.


:)

to be unhanded / yet to be impressed upon still

I didn't think that either of them could impose such a response upon me anymore, but I guess I was wrong. I'm often wrong, I find, regarding such things.

Still going to sort my head out - as far as blame/anger/disappointment goes, I don't feel like doling any of it out or figuring out who's got how big a slice of pie. I'm just - really sick of it, I guess. I thought we were over it and that it was all going to be peachy if not distant but I sometimes feel a bit sick to my stomach at the irony, at all this delicious irony that has spilled forth.

This sounds fucking terrible but if we weren't going to be that-close friends anyway, it might've been a good idea not to tell me that you lied, and that you were an uncaring sonovabitch who made ridiculous presumptions and contributed heavily to my fucked-up mindstate for a good eighteen months.

I don't think I'll ever get over what I did to you though. The very possibility of it recurring makes me want to cry a little. Which I did. Yesterday. The last time, okay? Like all the last-last times. And I have one question that lingers a little still but I'm afraid of the answer because it might send me off again and that's not a good idea.

It feels like a real door closing though on those two particular relationships, and I guess we just have to find the windows now.

Last night I said something totally trite and offered to teach those two mahjjong in the near future. It sounds all lovely and sweet but I doubt it'll happen. There's a distance there that can't be overcome and things will never be anything close to the same.

Something happened yesterday, I stopped looking at him & her through tragicomedic disbelieving rose-tinted spectacles and figured out the 'only human' part. He didn't know me as well as I thought he did and I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. It's kind of sad, in this stupid, quiet way, but sad all the same.


Funny, how life turns out. I guess we hold on for the ride.

I can try/ I can try/ to toughen up

change is hard.

I should know.

writing fondly and speaking fonder still

Just read over the last entry I made and while parts of it are relevant, I refuse to think like that. I'm really quite fine on my own, I just miss being with someone who really likes me. All people are like that, I suppose, but I will not let myself get to the point where I am so incredibly pathetic. I am rather determined about this.

I need a 208.2 aggregate, so...

English - 50
Methods - 50
Specialist - 40 (scale to 50)
Chemistry - 46 (scale to 49?)
Revolutions - 43 (scale to 45) --> 4.5
Literature - 46 --> 4.6

I can get there. But it's going to require work.

mother/father/sister/mistress/whore/unsure

Seized by sudden yet potent fits of inadequecy. Sometimes I find myself looking inward and just finding want, pure and unsatisified and just so much it's frightening. And not even for material things - because I could fix that, I could fix that - just for something honest and something proper and something unconditional. Something to fix on, to orbit about.

I figure this sounds kind of unhealthily dependent and vaguely sick, but I suppose it's the basis of human nature - we like to be like but we need to be needed? Something like that, anyway. I'm - bereft, I guess. A1 is, I suspect, kind of depressed, and I wonder if I'm not close to that myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in slitting my wrists or writing terrible poetry - actually, scratch that, I really *am* writing terrible poetry. I'm just kind of - I don't know. In a giving mood. I feel a little bit empty and a little bit sad, but not enough to really compel me to do anything drastic. It's the apathy that I'm afraid of.

It's just - I don't even know. Doubt can cripple us all. I like the visions I have of myself sometimes, fiery-eyed and furious, careening through life like a meteor on crack. Maybe it's my advanced years but I don't really see them as possibilities anymore, just - pretty. I think I could be happy, I really could, but I can't help but feel stupid and lost and young and like I've just regressed and regressed and I'm such a child. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't even know what I want except that - and I can't have that.

I would like someone to love me unconditionally.

That would be unhealthy, maybe.


I'm hoping it's not a "real problem", more a temporary state of mind that will go away once I finish exams. They're kind of daunting and I find myself crossing off the days with real horror. I should yank myself out of it though, you know it's bad when you start agreeing with lyrics. (Listening to Keane while uneasy - that's what I'm calling it - is a revelation. Suddenly they sound very profound - even "I'm getting old and I need something to rely on" strikes a vulnerable chord or two.)

What do I want? What would make me feel better? Barring that which I cannot seem to find/recover:

- Work ethic comma a better
- Subsequently, a really nice ENTER. 99.9 please.
- A job for the holidays. David Jones is okay. Would make me feel better even if I'd hate the work.
- Some really nice foundation that a) matches and b) gives me the appearance of perfect skin
- Hugs


It's really pathetic, and kind of simple, but I guess that's the kind of person I am sometimes. I'm not happy about it but I'm sort of okay with it. Trying to stay positive is not really a me-trait, but I can give it a decent shot, can't I? For me.


Plus est en moi?

it's a thoughtful kind of place/ where munchkins dwell and high school's swell

- eighteen
- kind of resigned
- A+ on the chem midyear
- period three weeks late
- tired
- missing you

"Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive."

Lately I've been stuck on melloncolliemuxisch of the strange&corny. 'Volume One' (She & Him) has been played about forty times, no joke. I really am quite fond of Zooey. Anyway.

School starts again tomorrow, I'm not sure how I feel. I know I have a ton of work still left to do - why oh why am I online? Why did I go out last night? Salsa clubs are lovely though, it must be said :P Had great fun, & I think I will seek out more of that kinda thing next year.

Next year.

JC on a stick, that seems about as mythical as the Second Coming.

I'm still a tadlet confused, my birthday's coming up, I need hugs and - I don't know. Hopefully it gets a little better from here.

I'm going to be your lover when the floods roll back

It's a sweet kind of day, a sweet kind of life. I have few conflicts and less trouble. Sometimes I enjoy the odd flashing interruption, a hidden pink-white ulcer in the recess of gum, hot bright jagged pain unexpected but welcome. I worry at it purposely sometimes, and it feels a little like a good hurt.

I don't know what I am anymore, but I guess that's alright because this is what I've been advocating through the ages, right? Indefatigable, undefinable. I've figured out this much, at least.

- I'm still trying to grasp at a fantastic work ethic, but it's better
- I care about my friends a lot, but maybe only in little bursts convenient to me. Even so, it wouldn't kill them to call me once in awhile.
- I shut myself away a lot.
- I should get over my insecurities or lose some weight.
- I enjoy instant noodles, like when I was little. I've always liked the word 'renaissance' - to be reborn, a rebirth. If I could do things over would I?
- Who am I kidding? Of course.
- I need to get a clue about what I want to do, what I will do.
- I can write. Sometimes. Once in awhile I like to think that it's good stuff.


That's it. Right now. My feet hurt, and my heart aches a little - what for, I don't even really know. Maybe a little of absent friends, a touch of mourning for a slow dying in the dark, a sliver of affection from all the wrong sources. For leaning too hard on straw houses and finding no bricks. I'm okay, I really am, I just wish that I could laugh without feeling that little bit of hidden pain, the ceaseless reminder.


To run away a little bit. That would be nice.

everything inside of you that you *wish* you could be

Today, I did a creative English SAC, sent in a poem to the Dorothea McKellar (always meant to, since year seven, but, well, never got 'round to it) and entered something in the Monash public library short fiction competition.

I'm writing again, it feels good :)

I'm getting there. Slowly. One step at a time, right?

paraphrased and pathetic but I'm gettin' there

"At the risk of sounding trite, I would like to say that I am happy you are happy."

That was a nice period of time, I think.





Now, to the future?

are you martyr or mouse or maybe just mediocre?

Feeling kinda lackadaisical these days. Also feeling FAT. Honestly, this whole winter-fattening thing is totally upsetting. I can put on three kilos of clothing, just don't let it be three kilos of FAT. Today, it's three kilos, next year it'll be fifteen, flicking through FaceBook photos of myself in my 'glory days' and most terribly - a few more years and I'll be jumbo the whale or something. Or just a jumbo whale.

I mean seriously is it that hard to get a model-body?

Answer? YES.

Onto more serious matters, I'm tired, drained and generally just wish to feel happy/attractive/WARM. I find that on the rare occasion I *do* feel warm - those ten minutes just before 'awake' in a cocoon of blankets - I am thrown out of said comfyness almost immediately. I swear, if my father could just get the heating fixed, I would... I dunno, do something dramatic.

I need to start writing properly again. Short stories are better than nothing. I don't suppose I can expect to write the Great Australian Novel In The Style of the Great European Novel That Does Not Have Any Reference to Arvos, Snags, Budgie Smugglers Or Any Place Name That Involves More Than Four Vowels when I'm seventeen with a chip on my shoulder, but, well Zadie-frickin'-Smith did it.

I'm a fucking snob/sob story, I know.

They paved paradise & put up a parking lot...

lying still doesn't ease the weight

I need to stop messaging people who don't message me. Namely: K, C & L. It would be easier if I didn't see stuff/people that reminded me of K, stopped missing C and whined to A instead of L. Sometimes I just want to smack myself, god knows my mother might be right about this one thing. Well.

Methods SAC today, went well even by my standards. When you're left bemoaning the lack of 'where 'c' is a constant' where others didn't finish the paper, it's a nice feeling. I will, of course, be punished for this on another section I'm sure, tomorrow.

Seeing P on Sunday for IKEA breakfast (so hokey it's good) and a State Lib session, told C yesterday and he was all faux-betrayed. *does* seem strange in a way not to be throwing water around the corner table and trying not to get it on the revs books, but maybe a good thing?

I'm getting better, I think. A bit more in control. I'm getting back into my headspace and I want to start submitting stuff around and writing more and getting shit published, so that's awesome. Really.

Formal was nice :)

(hehehe 'Miss Individual' :D)

you're my candy brandy alexander/ but he was the last high

I was talking to S3 the other day and realised that yeah, I do have a bit of an inappropriate affection for C and that yeah, it could probably amount to something at some point.

*sigh* But he was more than just 'something'.

I'm still somewhat torn about what to do about that, seriously. Realistically, I should just leave him the fuck alone and save us both some iff but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just sick in the head and need to be bled dry to quit, or I just really fucking miss him. I might just be still attached to the memory of him which is by now, most definitely inaccurate; I kinda dislike myself just thinking about it and I definitely dislike myself for angsting about it.

eff.

I miss you, K. I really do. It's worse not being your friend at all.

the problem with this arrangement is...

1) girls suck
2) boys don't
3) unless they have a girlfriend/other shit, in which case, they suck
4) gay boys are not very thick on the ground
5) attempting to find close friends?

THE SUCK.

I was going to wait 'til the end of the world

not particularly impressed with anything as of late, and kind of freaking about the twenty million things or more. holidays in about four more days, and I'm about ready to collapse. things are distant/weird with C, maybe I left it a little long to call him, but to be fair, he had my number too. I just feel... vaguely abandoned. by everyone.

a hug would be nice, world, kay? a hug, maybe a week off and my mummy back :(


in lieu of socializing/ real human contact / productivity I've been e-shopping. bought a kabuki brush, Guerlain lipschtick and some NARS blush (torriddddddddddd) sigh.

I see a hippo starin' at me

Hmm, odd halcyon days. It rained, a LOT today, and the sun was bright and shiny.

Am sick with flu-thing, except kind of worse. Not a lovely person to be around right now - sniping at everything that moves it seems. Kind of tired too, trying to catch up with work - I still have a maaaaaaaan voice, hehehe :)

L2 came over today! I love having quadruple-spares! Well, triple spare and religion. In any case, he spent a couple of hours before going to rugger, and I made us salami risotto w/ beef stock. Poor boy is fructose-malabsorbant or whatever, so it was kind of a bitch trying to feed us both. Thank god for arborio, right? Had a little D&M over the food, think I might make him take me to formal. Lovely boy. I really do hope he and L1 sort it out.

C is in Timbuktu, wearing dresses and pink cowboy hats while dancing to Britney. It's so weird but I totally have no idea *what* Britney song people are talking about. I feel so antibopper it's freaky.

E is vaguely cute in that teenage-boy way. I feel like a dirty cradlerobber for even thinking of that, but there, I said it. K still brings me to my (metaphorical) knees though so it's probably just a teeny crush.

Oh, and I've totally lost my English mojo. WEEP WEEP WEPP. OH GOD. Yes. EVEN THAT. Fucking academia, will I be stuck at school my entire life? Actually, it doesn't sound that bad. And I could guest lecture overseas. Oh yes. That sounds kind of yum.

I dunno. This year is a strange beast. I find myself boggling a bit. I killed a snail today, I kinda regret that.

you don't have to be beautiful - but you have to conform to shit fucking mind control

Fucking C. I don't give a shit if you hate my opinions, I never made it personal. Fuck you. Screw taking you to formal, or even making you mix CDs, go to fucking tremaria and rot, you fuckwad.

leaving on a jetplane

So, C's going-away party was last night/very early this morning. I saw L1 (L2 was nursing his just-broken relationship at some dip's 19th), A&A, J and the Ex.

L1 is a sweetheart, really. At one point, if the stars align and nothing fucks up, she'll get back with L2 and they'll have fuzzy, blonde babies. And I'll maybe be there, fixing up her veil or something. I'd buy them crystal drinking glasses, maybe mid-tall.

A&A were predictably cute, I have a sweet picture.

J was a total mess that I didn't want to deal with, am rather 'shamed about that one. She hasn't called me in ever, though, and rarely texted, but I should have paid her more attention. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to stop her drinking - so naive to think that if I let her have 'one last shot' that'd be it. She got back with D, which is possibly the least smartest thing ever.

the Ex was a bit of a wanker. Making out with his best friend (E's) year-long crush, not nice. I felt sorry for E so I did the nice thing and made him projectile vomit into the bushes rather than on C's mum's nice rugs. Gave him a hug and an oddball pep talk - he seems like a nice boy. Seriously. Reminded me a bit of ... me a long while back. Maybe that was why I was so nice. Anyway, we avoided looking at/speaking to each other, though we're both rather big personalities. It worked for the most part, I'm satisfied.

C... god. I didn't think I'd cry. Chalk that up as one other guy in the world that makes me cry, hah. I was in his room - wow, the overload of dirty laundry was astounding - but I saw the stickerphotos we took on his noticeboard :) And, well, I will really, really miss him. He's one of my three favourite people I'd take to a desert island and I can't believe I won't hear him yell at me for eating Lord of the Fries and buying makeup. He promised to be back for my birthday though, sigh. He was making out with a cute Euro girl tonight - O. The feeling I got was so odd - I really don't want him in that way, but it felt weird, 'specially since he was leaving. It's like - I dunno. Everybody's changing. I know that's really cheesy, and as someone said - 'You can never go home again' - but I want to go back.

I'm sounding really maudlin and I think this whole 'all roads lead to K' thing is kind of damaging, but it's better than letting go. I'm sick. Why can't I just let the poor man be?


I dunno. Still a selfish teenager.

fuck this

no, really. fuck this. I don't care and I'm sick of trying to be okay and sick of trying to get over it. I'm stupid and fucked-up and half the time I don't say what I mean and the other half is painfully honest and please tell me you don't pity me and can tell which half this is:


I love you. come back, please. I don't think you know just how important you are to me.



yeah, I know, I suck. that doesn't mean I mean this any less.

I wish I had the courage, or the stupidity to tell you to your face again, but I shouldn't. or maybe I can't.

这些年过得不好不坏 / 只是好像少了一个人存在

有多少爱可以重来?
有多少人愿意等待?
当懂得珍惜以后归来
却不知那份爱会不会还在

sputnik sweetheart awash in athens

I'm really scared that I'll lose it this year, and I'm really scared that I'll have nobody to talk to, and that upon a chaotic midnight I'll decide that I can't press the 'send' button . That last one really freaks me out, being on the same par as pretty much going insane.

I've never been the one to worry about her sanity, and I've always made jokes to the effect that I have none anyway, but I do, I do and it fucks me up when I think I'm losing touch. Last night was embarrassing, needy and I really don't know what I would've done if I couldn't talk to someone. There's just so much... pressure and I can't take it, or maybe I can, I don't know. I guess I'll find out.

I miss that friend he used to be, too. Reminded last night that even with the crap that's gone on we're still friends. Though it's gonna be weird for awhile, I suppose you just can't cut away six years of history. I miss how it used to be, before. I do.

Wish me luck, okay? I've got a big year. University exams, getting back to 'sane' and falling out. If I manage two of the three I'll be satisfied.

I won't meet your mum & I may not stay for tea/ but baby you can look in all the towns of regret/ and you'll never find another me

I never quite got it but I think I kinda get it now. I still miss you, and I still feel stupid each time I write that.

:)

semi-charmed kinda life

So, I no longer feel like taking a direct dive off the nearest bridge, which is good. School is soon, which is bad. C has fucking flaked on Europe and did it in such an infuriating manner that I really wanted to hit him ("oh yeah, I'm not going to Europe, my mum's taking me and my sister and her boyfriend to Egypt.") I rendezvous'd with two people from the past - Jack the Bartender and Dusan the Chessplayer, the former which asked about the ex-Boy and offered to take me to my formal (without me saying a thing!) and the latter which just stood like a lump. The family is in a bit of a feud after I decided to call my father on being a hypocritical, impractical, overbearing, uncaring, wrongly-prioritized, un-listening douchebag who really doesn't have the right to be called my father proper.

Fucking biology.

I don't know what to do about tutors. R has volunteered. He has suggested that it would be a good idea, and asked about cute friends of mine. I suppose J would be alright, and R is a nice guy. I dunno. Maybe we could do a couple of library sessions or something. I just don't wanna fall apart and I just wanna keep it together. It feels... like last year. But with a febrile, overwhelming sense of doom.

I'm also compulsively buying makeup, which is not good. Guerlain Spring collection, why are you so pretty? Why do you have pretty stick glosses in shades of Fleur De Feu (omg LE) and Mango Fizz? To rob me of $28USD each plus shipping?


Yeah. Fucking biology, and fucking money.