sputnik sweetheart awash in athens

I'm really scared that I'll lose it this year, and I'm really scared that I'll have nobody to talk to, and that upon a chaotic midnight I'll decide that I can't press the 'send' button . That last one really freaks me out, being on the same par as pretty much going insane.

I've never been the one to worry about her sanity, and I've always made jokes to the effect that I have none anyway, but I do, I do and it fucks me up when I think I'm losing touch. Last night was embarrassing, needy and I really don't know what I would've done if I couldn't talk to someone. There's just so much... pressure and I can't take it, or maybe I can, I don't know. I guess I'll find out.

I miss that friend he used to be, too. Reminded last night that even with the crap that's gone on we're still friends. Though it's gonna be weird for awhile, I suppose you just can't cut away six years of history. I miss how it used to be, before. I do.

Wish me luck, okay? I've got a big year. University exams, getting back to 'sane' and falling out. If I manage two of the three I'll be satisfied.

I won't meet your mum & I may not stay for tea/ but baby you can look in all the towns of regret/ and you'll never find another me

I never quite got it but I think I kinda get it now. I still miss you, and I still feel stupid each time I write that.

:)

semi-charmed kinda life

So, I no longer feel like taking a direct dive off the nearest bridge, which is good. School is soon, which is bad. C has fucking flaked on Europe and did it in such an infuriating manner that I really wanted to hit him ("oh yeah, I'm not going to Europe, my mum's taking me and my sister and her boyfriend to Egypt.") I rendezvous'd with two people from the past - Jack the Bartender and Dusan the Chessplayer, the former which asked about the ex-Boy and offered to take me to my formal (without me saying a thing!) and the latter which just stood like a lump. The family is in a bit of a feud after I decided to call my father on being a hypocritical, impractical, overbearing, uncaring, wrongly-prioritized, un-listening douchebag who really doesn't have the right to be called my father proper.

Fucking biology.

I don't know what to do about tutors. R has volunteered. He has suggested that it would be a good idea, and asked about cute friends of mine. I suppose J would be alright, and R is a nice guy. I dunno. Maybe we could do a couple of library sessions or something. I just don't wanna fall apart and I just wanna keep it together. It feels... like last year. But with a febrile, overwhelming sense of doom.

I'm also compulsively buying makeup, which is not good. Guerlain Spring collection, why are you so pretty? Why do you have pretty stick glosses in shades of Fleur De Feu (omg LE) and Mango Fizz? To rob me of $28USD each plus shipping?


Yeah. Fucking biology, and fucking money.