I see a hippo starin' at me

Hmm, odd halcyon days. It rained, a LOT today, and the sun was bright and shiny.

Am sick with flu-thing, except kind of worse. Not a lovely person to be around right now - sniping at everything that moves it seems. Kind of tired too, trying to catch up with work - I still have a maaaaaaaan voice, hehehe :)

L2 came over today! I love having quadruple-spares! Well, triple spare and religion. In any case, he spent a couple of hours before going to rugger, and I made us salami risotto w/ beef stock. Poor boy is fructose-malabsorbant or whatever, so it was kind of a bitch trying to feed us both. Thank god for arborio, right? Had a little D&M over the food, think I might make him take me to formal. Lovely boy. I really do hope he and L1 sort it out.

C is in Timbuktu, wearing dresses and pink cowboy hats while dancing to Britney. It's so weird but I totally have no idea *what* Britney song people are talking about. I feel so antibopper it's freaky.

E is vaguely cute in that teenage-boy way. I feel like a dirty cradlerobber for even thinking of that, but there, I said it. K still brings me to my (metaphorical) knees though so it's probably just a teeny crush.

Oh, and I've totally lost my English mojo. WEEP WEEP WEPP. OH GOD. Yes. EVEN THAT. Fucking academia, will I be stuck at school my entire life? Actually, it doesn't sound that bad. And I could guest lecture overseas. Oh yes. That sounds kind of yum.

I dunno. This year is a strange beast. I find myself boggling a bit. I killed a snail today, I kinda regret that.

you don't have to be beautiful - but you have to conform to shit fucking mind control

Fucking C. I don't give a shit if you hate my opinions, I never made it personal. Fuck you. Screw taking you to formal, or even making you mix CDs, go to fucking tremaria and rot, you fuckwad.

leaving on a jetplane

So, C's going-away party was last night/very early this morning. I saw L1 (L2 was nursing his just-broken relationship at some dip's 19th), A&A, J and the Ex.

L1 is a sweetheart, really. At one point, if the stars align and nothing fucks up, she'll get back with L2 and they'll have fuzzy, blonde babies. And I'll maybe be there, fixing up her veil or something. I'd buy them crystal drinking glasses, maybe mid-tall.

A&A were predictably cute, I have a sweet picture.

J was a total mess that I didn't want to deal with, am rather 'shamed about that one. She hasn't called me in ever, though, and rarely texted, but I should have paid her more attention. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to stop her drinking - so naive to think that if I let her have 'one last shot' that'd be it. She got back with D, which is possibly the least smartest thing ever.

the Ex was a bit of a wanker. Making out with his best friend (E's) year-long crush, not nice. I felt sorry for E so I did the nice thing and made him projectile vomit into the bushes rather than on C's mum's nice rugs. Gave him a hug and an oddball pep talk - he seems like a nice boy. Seriously. Reminded me a bit of ... me a long while back. Maybe that was why I was so nice. Anyway, we avoided looking at/speaking to each other, though we're both rather big personalities. It worked for the most part, I'm satisfied.

C... god. I didn't think I'd cry. Chalk that up as one other guy in the world that makes me cry, hah. I was in his room - wow, the overload of dirty laundry was astounding - but I saw the stickerphotos we took on his noticeboard :) And, well, I will really, really miss him. He's one of my three favourite people I'd take to a desert island and I can't believe I won't hear him yell at me for eating Lord of the Fries and buying makeup. He promised to be back for my birthday though, sigh. He was making out with a cute Euro girl tonight - O. The feeling I got was so odd - I really don't want him in that way, but it felt weird, 'specially since he was leaving. It's like - I dunno. Everybody's changing. I know that's really cheesy, and as someone said - 'You can never go home again' - but I want to go back.

I'm sounding really maudlin and I think this whole 'all roads lead to K' thing is kind of damaging, but it's better than letting go. I'm sick. Why can't I just let the poor man be?


I dunno. Still a selfish teenager.

fuck this

no, really. fuck this. I don't care and I'm sick of trying to be okay and sick of trying to get over it. I'm stupid and fucked-up and half the time I don't say what I mean and the other half is painfully honest and please tell me you don't pity me and can tell which half this is:


I love you. come back, please. I don't think you know just how important you are to me.



yeah, I know, I suck. that doesn't mean I mean this any less.

I wish I had the courage, or the stupidity to tell you to your face again, but I shouldn't. or maybe I can't.

这些年过得不好不坏 / 只是好像少了一个人存在

有多少爱可以重来?
有多少人愿意等待?
当懂得珍惜以后归来
却不知那份爱会不会还在