I didn't think that either of them could impose such a response upon me anymore, but I guess I was wrong. I'm often wrong, I find, regarding such things.
Still going to sort my head out - as far as blame/anger/disappointment goes, I don't feel like doling any of it out or figuring out who's got how big a slice of pie. I'm just - really sick of it, I guess. I thought we were over it and that it was all going to be peachy if not distant but I sometimes feel a bit sick to my stomach at the irony, at all this delicious irony that has spilled forth.
This sounds fucking terrible but if we weren't going to be that-close friends anyway, it might've been a good idea not to tell me that you lied, and that you were an uncaring sonovabitch who made ridiculous presumptions and contributed heavily to my fucked-up mindstate for a good eighteen months.
I don't think I'll ever get over what I did to you though. The very possibility of it recurring makes me want to cry a little. Which I did. Yesterday. The last time, okay? Like all the last-last times. And I have one question that lingers a little still but I'm afraid of the answer because it might send me off again and that's not a good idea.
It feels like a real door closing though on those two particular relationships, and I guess we just have to find the windows now.
Last night I said something totally trite and offered to teach those two mahjjong in the near future. It sounds all lovely and sweet but I doubt it'll happen. There's a distance there that can't be overcome and things will never be anything close to the same.
Something happened yesterday, I stopped looking at him & her through tragicomedic disbelieving rose-tinted spectacles and figured out the 'only human' part. He didn't know me as well as I thought he did and I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. It's kind of sad, in this stupid, quiet way, but sad all the same.
Funny, how life turns out. I guess we hold on for the ride.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
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