something for a secret voyeur (I hope you're reading this)

I guess it's kind of past due for me to make an entry; I don't think I've kept a proper record of my thoughts for a really long time now; it bugs me to a point. It's mid-October now; one month til I finish my exams. I wish I could stop being social and blasé and actually get all my shit together, do some study and feel good about myself. That's not to say I'm not in a good mood, because I am, but I know that fundamentally I have issues with my work ethic and I should take pains to correct them. Emphasis on 'pain'.

Lately, I've been abandoning exercise and real hydration, which approximates to feeling like a blob with bad skin to boot. No idea how I'm ever going to fit into a bikini this summer; it would be nice to weigh less than I did in summer 07/08; I still can't look at pictures from then without going OMG PLEASE SUCK IN THAT TUMMY. At some point, I will go back to Bikram - maybe twice a week, that sounds like a reasonable number. Ballroom across the break too; perhaps another class? Did some Swing today, it was nice but I need to put more energy into it and focus on technique a bit more. There's a new teacher, he looks kind of like a Jewish hippie and makes me laugh.

Speaking of Swing, there is this absolutely beautiful man. I shall henceforth refer to him as 'T'. He makes me wonder whether the Ex was my type or whether my type is just my Ex. Pop the two side-by-side and they'd look more like twins than brothers, that's how uncanny it is. They're both built sort of thin, pale, with a jut of brow and an elegant jawline. Similar kind of drab dressing, looks-at-home-in-a-library with a little reserve. Little things are endearing on T though - the way he rolls up his sleeves; the way he's trying to lead properly; the way he looks at you intently, intensely without makin' with the rapistface. I want him. I want him like I haven't wanted in so very long. This kind of wanting makes me question myself though, so uncomfortable and I don't think I'd ever want them to meet. I also have no idea whether he's got a girlfriend, but I pretty much think he's perfect. My stomach is all squiggly :3 Unfortunately my experiences with this kind of male tells me he's probably not the chasing type, which really throws another spanner into it all; and god knows my relationships never work anyway so expect some sort of spectacular crash in a fortnight or so when I frig it all up.

Essentially, I just want to get these exams done with; finish my exchange application and hope really hard that I get to go away for a bit soon. It would also be really nice if T asked me out, but I've sort of learned that fun things like that do not happen to me, so yeah :P At some point, get back into shape, try and fix the work ethic to something respectable. Catch up with all of my favourites, maybe find some enjoyment in writing again. It's been so long since (I made you cry) anything really lovely was written; upsetting.

I'll fix it, I promise. I'll fix everything.


Oh heart.

I realize this blog is becoming a confessional of romantic snippets nobody else wanted to hear

...with the subject in mind, my current sitch:

(1)

Short, hirsute, somewhat brown-nosing (vaguely irritating), JEWISH (!) and persistent. Drives me home, buys me drinks and fails at witty repartee. Also wants to make movies for a living and does not go to university. Won't. Take. A. Hint.

(2)

Shortish, skinny-as-fuck-and-milk-pale, questionable facial hair and brave. Commendable for a reasonably tasteful-yet-direct approach, points off for being physically unattractive. We're having coffee. I don't think it'll go anywhere.

(3)

Absolutely beautiful and incredibly intelligent boy in my writing tutorial. Smart, obviously well-read and wildly enthusiastic about some Spanish author. Writing is good, if a little bit tripped up by random italicisation of Spanish names. Probably Definitely Not Interested In Me, which is sad.

(4)

Best friend of (1). Seriously good-lookin'. Apparently interested in me, yet makes no real effort. Does not go to uni, works in a warehouse (wat?). Does not chase girls. Incredibly attractive DID I MENTION THAT. Argh. Seeing him tomorrow.

IN OTHER NEWS, I have ball tickets and am missin' my kids like crazy. Tuesdays just aren't the same with a bunch of eight-to-thirteen-year-olds runnin' amok.

well if you're not actually here/ does it all really even matter?

I'm getting a bit of gentle hazing about the current object of my affections. He's youngish, incredibly easy on the eyes and possesses an unfortunate name. Obviously we could never have children :P

Still. Not really sure what's with what. Part of me screams GIRL WHATCHU DOING HE DON'T SEEM INTERESTED IN YOU HE DON'T GO TO NO UNIVERSITY AND HE DON'T HAVE NO AMBITION NO DRIVE NO DESIRE TO GO FURTHER WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY and the other half just kind of melts at the sight of his profile. I am such a shallow little creep sometimes. OK, most of the time. I'm still not sure if he reads, if he can spell, if he's remotely interested in me, but my friends are having a lot of fun and it's yeah, kind of nice to be teased a little.

What do I have to lose, I guess?

Life is being stressworthy, so I'm doing more baking than usual. Carrot cake with cream-cheese icing today!

oh for christ's sake

fuck ever telling anybody what I really think of them ever again, it always goes down the fucking toilet.

I just wanted to say...

- A: I hope you know what you're doing.

- J: It was, like I admitted to myself, a 99%-confidence-interval-unlikely, somewhat-fanciful and totally misplaced crush. Doesn't change the fact that it was trodden over mercilessly these last few days. I know I know I know (nothing about you). No idea what's going to happen now; I suspect I'll remain a little upset for a little bit, and then throw myself into something else. At least now we know: I still really hate not getting what I want, 140-odd characters have the power to cut surprisingly effectively and - just - why can't I find someone who likes me back?

(I am interesting, constantly-curious, widely-read, broadly-educated, quite loyal, well-presented, whimsically-thoughtful, always-dedicated, cheerfully-creative and reasonably pretty. You are extremely intelligent, conversationally-gifted, honest, driven, happy, tallish-and-skinny, bookish, university-degree'd-or-in-process of, detail-noting and most importantly, in love with me. Where are you?)

- H: Seeing you all the time still throws me off.

- S: I ... sort of don't believe that you didn't say anything, but ok. I shouldn't have told you in the first place. It got concrete and stolid once I let it out. I miss that 'secret' feeling.

- Self: Fuck, please don't go and do anything silly now.

You are too vivid (I recall it too well)

I found you in my bed and the idea was so potent and you were so deeply sleeping I felt that turning on the bright lights would only hurt us. You were in my bed, had taken my phone number and slept beside me, chastely, one wide palm on my hip.

I was not wearing my best underwear.

----

I dreamed you'd crept in through my balcony and sidled into my bed last night, light-years and suburbs away from where you should've been. You were calm in repose and stayed reclining, observing even whilst asleep.

----

Perhaps you came home with me, on a late train and followed me home, where you stretched out on one side of my bed luxuriously, gently, one arm tentacling across the pillow like a comfort, a lover. I took it, stroked it, was not afraid. This is how we spent last night.

------------------------

My dreams are rarely so clear or memorable, and almost never featuring someone I'd just met. This is a little bit disturbing, but also kinda refreshing. Upon waking - and even now - I still blur a little, not knowing what really happened and what has not. I don't know what to think.