sometimes lonely hearts - they just get lonelier

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into incredibly stupid situations like this one; how I let my better sense fall by the wayside and allow my hormones to take over. There are some things that I should know to stay well away from - large amounts of clarified butter, recreational drugs, boys with bits on the side.

Goddamn it. I have a midterm tomorrow and I'm absolutely not in the right mindset right now. Need to work, need to get my head out of my ass, need to stop stressing about the smallest details. My mother says I'm too emotional; I think I agree. This blog has always had a lot of 'I's and a lot about the boys and men that I think about, why stop here?

A quick run-down of what's happened in the last year since I blogged.

- Temporary madness in the shape of a friend. Must never mix 'affection' and 'ardour' ever again.
- Stayed the fuck away from men for awhile (hurrah!)
- Went on exchange.
- Dated American #2, who was infinitely unsatisfying in pretty much every way. I am done - done - absolutely done with being mothercounsellorcaregivercrutch. He was not a bad person, but it was just all about him and his neuroses, all the damn time.
- Spent Winter break getting over constant idiocy.
- Hooked up briefly with C, who just wants to fuck me. What an idiot. What an idiot. We are now "just friends", whatever. Funny how "just friends" means "we speak once every two months."
- Clusterfuck that was K, who was just needy and unattractive and a total woman. Words cannot describe the extent of disdain I hold for K, who not only disrespected me, but is disrespecting his current companion.


So now, we're up to date. Sort of. There is a lot of crucial information missing, but nobody reads this damn thing (except future-me, so hello there! I hope you're dating someone nice and working hard!) - it doesn't matter if I am a little brief.

Anyway. This is what I was looking for way back in May '09:

(I am interesting, constantly-curious, widely-read, broadly-educated, quite loyal, well-presented, whimsically-thoughtful, always-dedicated, cheerfully-creative and reasonably pretty. You are extremely intelligent, conversationally-gifted, honest, driven, happy, tallish-and-skinny, bookish, university-degree'd-or-in-process of, detail-noting and most importantly, in love with me. Where are you?)
...and nothing about that description has changed. Not much in two years, ha. I might be a better listener and slightly less self-centred and more interested in things like other people and being kind and self-improvement, but y'know, the essentials are still the same. What has changed is the fact that I am seeing a guy who could fulfil almost all of those requirements, and maybe a few more that have cropped up in those two years.

The Translator's pros:
- super-clever / excellent conversationalist
- same-wavelength
- all-too-similar foodneuroses (except our sushi VS. crayfish thing; he will eat the former not latter, and I am the opposite.)
- a reasonably cheerful type
- old enough to know better and maybe to exercise a little 包容
- good in bed

The Translator's cons:
- bit on the side
- what happens after I leaf?
- knows I am an insecure kind, yet takes no real action to redress perceived injustices


Look, I know I should just talk to him. The first 'con' is absolutely unacceptable. I met him almost a month ago; that should be enough time to clear up any loose ends and decide whether, indeed, he wants to clear them up for me. Heading to Shanghai this weekend, so I suppose I will speak to him next weekend, or whenever I see him, I don't know.

Who knows. Maybe I am being insane. We do get along exceptionally well. More about this later.