The big thing is that I'm twenty-two, I guess?
The other things - well, I'm not sure whether they're big or small, so I'll just list them here. It's not really a coherent kind of time for me at the moment - so here goes.
+ MY BIRTHDAY/D
- Generally felt that (after about 2pm,) D really didn't care about my feelings and/or resented my presence. Whether this is because of over-saturation (too much time spent together continuously) or whether he's just a bit of a dickhead is still debatable.
- The bad: Lack of cake, D being a dick about going out for pizza, D totally laughing his head off post blowjob. My period coming and my back being a mass of pain. All disappointing.
- The good: a whole Saturday full of amazing sex (three times! some sort of epic orgasm sequence at 5/6am for me), his gift of board game, 'Twilight Struggle' (severe highlight), our visit to the aquarium.
- Some reference to my being his girlfriend. Some uncharacteristic affection (admittedly, I was clearly annoyed at him at this point) while I was happily discussing boy stuff with his housemate on the couch. Weird. If you want me to be your girlfriend and continue being cool with your friends, D, be nice to me.
- Cried a little in bed. Laid some verbal heavy on him. I am such a drama queen.
- All in all, I am going to get some distance. See him Thursday (if - and only if - he contacts me early enough today) and maybe even skip him out of Saturday's proceedings. He might have bought groceries for my place (apparently he can't live without tea and coffee and Tabasco?) but he knows that if he's not a "real person", he can't meet my friends.
- Mental distance is harder. Is it that I expect too much? Is it because I'm too nice? Is it just because everything is too soon?
+ GOING AWAY
- Fuck yeah, South America!
+ THE TRANSLATOR
- Super-civil birthday email received a few minutes after midnight, 06/08. Attachment with video of baby animals.
- Slightly less civil (but still civil!) birthday phone call received a couple hours before midnight, 06/08. Half an hour conversation. I am still a little bit in disbelief that I actually picked it up, and continued talking. Probably not my smartest relationship move ever.
- Remembered back to my last birthday. Decently-arranged, spectacular gift (videos from home!!) and a hotel room. Plus a cheesecake. OK, the cheesecake was his favourite, but there was a cake, goddamn it. However, had him reference his "effort" in the call, whatta douche.
- Briefly considered in tiny moment of weakness (compounding upon initial weakness in even answering) what it'd be like to go back. Realized it'd still be the same shit, no matter how sweetly he dresses it up now.
- Perhaps I should tell him about D. Maybe once I'm sure D is hanging around.
I'm spending some time these days thinking about what I can do to make happy and good things happen to me. Just throwing a lot of love at people and hoping that it comes back in equal measure doesn't seem to be working. But, y'know, I've started the juggernaut rolling now. I don't think I'm ready to walk away from D yet. I hope I'm not forever destined to be disappointed in my relationships; maybe it's to do with the kinds of people I choose to be with?
I PROMISE TO MYSELF: if/when this thing with D ends, I will find a truly nice boy to date. Someone who is super excited to be with me, and makes me a priority.
At the heart of it, though, I would love for things to work out with D. He makes my body sing and when it is good, it is soul-wrenchingly good. Making him smile - seeing that nutty little grin of his - just makes me so happy. I love making this guy happy. I just hope that with a little time, he learns to love the same, for me.
