"Friend since March"

In about two months, we have seen each other seven times, exchanged approximately 13,000 FaceBook messages, had sex an appropriately mind-blowing number of times, and broken up once. Can you even call it a breakup?

I don't even know what to term the other it. Fling? Relationship? Love-type thing?

Tonight at dinner, Will told me that he thought we should just be friends, and stop sleeping together. Because he was leaving, and he'd just realised, and he needed - needed - to go. And that maybe this was something was going to stick around town for. Apparently the fact that I'd always been supportive of LA made it worse.

I don't want to cheapen how I felt. I was so embarrassed sitting there outside that gelato shop, watching my Bacio soften into soup, telling myself not to cry. Because love and affection are valid feelings, and I had them for him. Not a full-blown forever-relationship kind of love - but the kind that made me happy, all the same. Maybe he cared for me, maybe he was even falling in love a little. But y'know, he still made the call. And there ain't much I can do about that except comply.

I hate being left.

(It does - disappoint me that he wasn't brave enough to see it through. Not that it's cowardly to stop it now. It's just - I guess when I saw it was a good thing, I was determined to see it through to the end. And it's sad that it can't.)

And because I will forget otherwise, here is some of the last two months:

- Sweet days and hot nights at HB. Waking up in happiness. Awash in delight. Not leaving the house. Napping in a golden-lit tangle of limbs and contrasts and fresh skin. Looking up at him, after orgasm, through heavy eyes and tucking into his arms. The way he would lay a kiss on the top of my head, and hug tight. The slight floral scent of him, cut with clean sweat.

- His hands on my neck and my backside and my face and my hips and absolutely - absolutely taking.

- Stroking the inside of his forearm, with truth and measure.

- Conversations about everything and nothing. Music for days. Download sites that have everything. Waking up to a new song, or an email, or something that said, hey, I have been thinking about you, and what we talked about. Conversations where he remembered how much you liked something. and it made you feel nice that he cared.

- Walking blindfolded down George Street, in a silk kitty sleep mask. Eating so many cookies that you didn't want cookies for days after. Judging each cookie on three criteria, and writing them down at Papa E's office, in the shrieking room.

- The left-hand wall of the Parro apartment.

- Decaf English Breakfast, now stocked at Lenno.

- Well-cooked steak.

- Long drives with casual touching, and wearing his sweater.

How do I coin the phrase to set my soul apart? I don't know. I was happy - a simple, uncomplicated kind of happiness - one where I figured that if it worked, I'd try my hardest to make it work - long distance be damned - but now I am not. And that is a little bit of a heartbreak, I think.

One fleeting Monday

I had sex last Saturday with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with, and don't think I'd ever love.

I am dating and/or not dating two dudes at the same time.

I am concerned by whether the above will make me a worse person.

Someday I'd like to be in love again. Just not anytime soon.

no choice in the matter

…unfortunately, it’s true: time does heal. It will do so whether you like it or not, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. If you’re not careful, time will take away everything that ever hurt you, everything you have ever lost, and replace it with knowledge. Time is a machine: it will convert your pain into experience. Raw data will be compiled, will be translated into a more comprehensible language. The individual events of your life will be transmuted into another substance called memory and in the mechanism something will be lost and you will never be able to reverse it, you will never again have the original moment back in its uncategorized, preprocessed state. It will force you to move on and you will not have a choice in the matter 


-Charles Yu, How To Live Safely In A Science Fictional Universe


This year's goals:
- Be a better person (read 1 x book per week, go to the gym 3-4 x per week)
- Figure out what I love to do in life

- Stay single

y por amor seré, serás, seremos

I want to write this down before it becomes a memory.

Two nights ago we made love again.


I was fine until he did something stupid. Can I take Bohnanza to [friend's] house tonight? I felt sick to my stomach. I went into my room and cried and cried. Heard him leaving, and couldn't hold it in any more.

You sank your teeth into my shoulder on New Year's Eve and told me I was yours. You told me from the beginning that you wanted forever, that you loved me. Before we came here, you said you would be good to me. Are you being good to me, now?

I don't know how to feel now. I still hate him for leaving me the way he did, for not caring enough to talk to me one last time, to love me enough to trust in it. He thought I'd marry him and then take him for everything after six months. He thought I was horrible.

He is so wrong and I don't know if I can love him again.

I tried so hard, so hard - and he left me like this and thinks so badly of me.


(oh god, I loved you so much - what was a few bad months in a lifetime, right? remember the good, Dimitri. remember the brilliant, shining thing we had, if only for awhile)

there is a bruise

on my shoulder where he bit me the last time we fucked and it hurts just a little when I press down

I do not remember the last time we made love

a new year, it's a new day

AUGUST 08, 2012:

I PROMISE TO MYSELF: if/when this thing with D ends, I will find a truly nice boy to date. Someone who is super excited to be with me, and makes me a priority.

At the heart of it, though, I would love for things to work out with D. He makes my body sing and when it is good, it is soul-wrenchingly good. Making him smile - seeing that nutty little grin of his - just makes me so happy. I love making this guy happy. I just hope that with a little time, he learns to love the same, for me.

JANUARY 2, 2015:

He never learnt.