y por amor seré, serás, seremos

I want to write this down before it becomes a memory.

Two nights ago we made love again.


I was fine until he did something stupid. Can I take Bohnanza to [friend's] house tonight? I felt sick to my stomach. I went into my room and cried and cried. Heard him leaving, and couldn't hold it in any more.

You sank your teeth into my shoulder on New Year's Eve and told me I was yours. You told me from the beginning that you wanted forever, that you loved me. Before we came here, you said you would be good to me. Are you being good to me, now?

I don't know how to feel now. I still hate him for leaving me the way he did, for not caring enough to talk to me one last time, to love me enough to trust in it. He thought I'd marry him and then take him for everything after six months. He thought I was horrible.

He is so wrong and I don't know if I can love him again.

I tried so hard, so hard - and he left me like this and thinks so badly of me.


(oh god, I loved you so much - what was a few bad months in a lifetime, right? remember the good, Dimitri. remember the brilliant, shining thing we had, if only for awhile)

there is a bruise

on my shoulder where he bit me the last time we fucked and it hurts just a little when I press down

I do not remember the last time we made love

a new year, it's a new day

AUGUST 08, 2012:

I PROMISE TO MYSELF: if/when this thing with D ends, I will find a truly nice boy to date. Someone who is super excited to be with me, and makes me a priority.

At the heart of it, though, I would love for things to work out with D. He makes my body sing and when it is good, it is soul-wrenchingly good. Making him smile - seeing that nutty little grin of his - just makes me so happy. I love making this guy happy. I just hope that with a little time, he learns to love the same, for me.

JANUARY 2, 2015:

He never learnt.