I'm really scared that I'll lose it this year, and I'm really scared that I'll have nobody to talk to, and that upon a chaotic midnight I'll decide that I can't press the 'send' button . That last one really freaks me out, being on the same par as pretty much going insane.
I've never been the one to worry about her sanity, and I've always made jokes to the effect that I have none anyway, but I do, I do and it fucks me up when I think I'm losing touch. Last night was embarrassing, needy and I really don't know what I would've done if I couldn't talk to someone. There's just so much... pressure and I can't take it, or maybe I can, I don't know. I guess I'll find out.
I miss that friend he used to be, too. Reminded last night that even with the crap that's gone on we're still friends. Though it's gonna be weird for awhile, I suppose you just can't cut away six years of history. I miss how it used to be, before. I do.
Wish me luck, okay? I've got a big year. University exams, getting back to 'sane' and falling out. If I manage two of the three I'll be satisfied.
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