Seized by sudden yet potent fits of inadequecy. Sometimes I find myself looking inward and just finding want, pure and unsatisified and just so much it's frightening. And not even for material things - because I could fix that, I could fix that - just for something honest and something proper and something unconditional. Something to fix on, to orbit about.
I figure this sounds kind of unhealthily dependent and vaguely sick, but I suppose it's the basis of human nature - we like to be like but we need to be needed? Something like that, anyway. I'm - bereft, I guess. A1 is, I suspect, kind of depressed, and I wonder if I'm not close to that myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in slitting my wrists or writing terrible poetry - actually, scratch that, I really *am* writing terrible poetry. I'm just kind of - I don't know. In a giving mood. I feel a little bit empty and a little bit sad, but not enough to really compel me to do anything drastic. It's the apathy that I'm afraid of.
It's just - I don't even know. Doubt can cripple us all. I like the visions I have of myself sometimes, fiery-eyed and furious, careening through life like a meteor on crack. Maybe it's my advanced years but I don't really see them as possibilities anymore, just - pretty. I think I could be happy, I really could, but I can't help but feel stupid and lost and young and like I've just regressed and regressed and I'm such a child. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't even know what I want except that - and I can't have that.
I would like someone to love me unconditionally.
That would be unhealthy, maybe.
I'm hoping it's not a "real problem", more a temporary state of mind that will go away once I finish exams. They're kind of daunting and I find myself crossing off the days with real horror. I should yank myself out of it though, you know it's bad when you start agreeing with lyrics. (Listening to Keane while uneasy - that's what I'm calling it - is a revelation. Suddenly they sound very profound - even "I'm getting old and I need something to rely on" strikes a vulnerable chord or two.)
What do I want? What would make me feel better? Barring that which I cannot seem to find/recover:
- Work ethic comma a better
- Subsequently, a really nice ENTER. 99.9 please.
- A job for the holidays. David Jones is okay. Would make me feel better even if I'd hate the work.
- Some really nice foundation that a) matches and b) gives me the appearance of perfect skin
- Hugs
It's really pathetic, and kind of simple, but I guess that's the kind of person I am sometimes. I'm not happy about it but I'm sort of okay with it. Trying to stay positive is not really a me-trait, but I can give it a decent shot, can't I? For me.
Plus est en moi?
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